When we worship, how often do you worship with your arms and hands open ready to receive  Well I was thinking about this, lol I am sure you think I think to much !

If our arms and hands are open to God they need to be free of all else. We need to let go of everything that we worry about letting go of in order to have hands ready to receive from God, ready to work for God and ready to help others. Our minds need to be free from the fuzz and busyness of life to really listen to God.

Now I hear what you are saying, I have said it so many times over that I struggle to fit God in, I don't have the time, that God has blessed me with kids a job and so much more that time to listen to him is so short. IT would be great if God would whisk us off to a hotel for an hour everyday so we could concentrate on him and spend some quality time together but chances are if you are anything like me you would fall asleep!

But God doesn't want us to fit him in to stop life and reflect on him, he wants to be our life, he wants to be in our every thought. When we shower, when we change that stinky nappy, when we cook dinner, when we commute to work there are so many times when we can turn our minds to God whilst still performing the practical tasks of life. Kids don't stop us worshipping God in all we do they are a part of worshipping God in all we do. Its not that you are too busy caring for them to fit God in but that God is a part of the caring you give, the love you give.

That constant two way conversation and worshipping through our every action is an amazing relationship to have but there is also a place for fasting from the things in life that hold us back in our relationship with God it can have a huge range of blessings. Making a concious decision to stop something for a while, doesn't have to be food, could be a phone, tv, facebook etc can bring you so much closer to God by removing some of the busyness from your mind. The first person to recognise Jesus as a boy was Anna who had chosen a life of fasting to remain close to God to hear him.

They say that sometimes you don't know what you have until its gone, sometimes choosing not to have something for a short period of time reminds you of how blessed you are to have it.

Fasting from something gives you a chance not to live on your own provisions or enjoyments but to be reliant on the blessings and provisions from God. By taking our eyes off the things of this world, we can more successfully turn our attention to Christ. Fasting is not a way to get God to do what we want. Fasting changes us, not God. Fasting is not a way to appear more spiritual than others. Fasting is to be done in a spirit of humility and a joyful attitude

But to bring us back to what made me think about this was that fasting causes hunger. Now you might look at me and go well um yeah if you don't eat you get hungry but that's not what I mean. Fasting causes a hunger a passion, when you first fast you miss what you no longer have but when you turn to God and focus on God that hunger, that desire also turns to God and you seek so much more satisfaction than you had before and if you trully use your fasting time to reflect and grow closer to God, whether this is something you do alone or with family then you will be so much more satisfied then before. 

God time is all day every day and no matter how busy you are God is in your everything whether you invite him in and talk to him about it or not. But the benefits of choosing to forego something else and spend that time focusing on God is serious fulfilment, direction, discipline and enjoyment for you and whoever you do it with. 

Judgement time ...

I was sitting last night chatting to hubby about the things that had been big for me that day and I had been bothered by a family who's priorities just didn't seem right to me but I became agitated at some of the things my husband said and I used the age old phrase that we shouldn't judge others. We chatted a bit more and I wandered off to bed but I needed to think more about this and pray about that phrase I so readily used, did I really think or believe that?

Matthew 7:15 makes if pretty clear that judging others is not a good thing to do and that we should reserve our judgements for ourselves. This on the outside might seem like a fairly easy thing to do, sure just be nice about everyone and you'll be fine but in reality judging someone is not just being nice or not about them verbally. We all make judgements, saying something is ok is making a judgement as well as saying something is not ok.

When we make a judgement about someone, just that little thought, it alters our behaviour. We might wear different clothes, say different things, act differently based on how we have judged that person. We might choose to go to something or not based on whether that person and their behaviour will be there. We will struggle to have open and honest relationships with someone we have negatively judged in some way or another. If they have acted in a way that you have judged to be wrong you might find it hard to include them again or to encourage them to be involved.

Yet the bible also says we need encourage and show others the right path. This is hard to do without first judging that what they are doing is sinful. So how do we go about judging in the right way? Is it ever right? This is something I struggle with as for me I would very rarely want to make judgements about someone as it doesn't sit right but horribly find myself thinking negative thoughts about some people's behaviour and it can really affect me when I see what they are doing is hurting others. But if we don't judge and try and help people see the right way through God then people won't find peace.

 Isaiah 59:8: "The way of peace they know not; and there is no judgement in their goings: they have made them crooked paths: whosoever goeth therein shall not know peace." 

So many times I have heard people say it is not our place to judge, its Gods and this is so true. But that shouldn't stop us but simply our judgements should always and consistently come from God, be biblical issues not personal preferences, be worked through together with the person in humility.

God is not telling us not to judge but to judge rightly. To always always start with yourself and only ever judge someone else with a view to helping them grow closer to God. We have to continually judge our own thoughts, actions and motives to see that we are following what Christ has asked us to do, in the same way through love and fellowship we 'judge' others to help them, never in malice, never gossip but in a deep spiritual way that encourages them. If Christians believe in the truth of the bible then it is important that we apply it in situations without condemning each other for being judgemental however how we do it is key.

I started by saying that making judgements alters our behaviours. When we judge in the wrong way it alters our behaviour in the wrong way. When we judge ourselves in the right way it alters our behaviour in the right way. When we judge others in the right way it alters both our behaviours in the right way.

The biggest issue in this though is not how we judge others it is how open are we to the right judgements? How open am I to someone coming and saying look I think you are going a little wrong there? This is one of the hardest things to accept as the natural thing to do is to take it on a personal level as a friend criticising something you are doing that you may or may not have a problem with. I know I internalise things way to quickly and way to personally. Down the line I usually come around to seeing God in what was said and the true purpose behind it but if I was able to do that sooner it would save a lot of hurt. So how open are we to others making the right kinda judgements on us through God? How often do we listen for the words of God through our fellow Christians instead of struggling along in our own ways. We must be willing to be accountable in our faith and in our actions.

Want to finish with a story that is so true amongst so many churches and I am sad to say often mine. The author is unknown. It just highlights to me the need to judge with Christ in your heart, thoughts and words and that how we are with those we meet everyday should always always point to Christ and encourage them in the right direction not put a full stop in their journey by saying your not good enough to be here.

It was a cold winter's day that Sunday. The parking lot to the church was filling up quickly. I noticed as I got out of my car that fellow church members were whispering among themselves as they walked to the church. As I got closer I saw a man leaned up against the wall outside the church.

He was almost laying down as if he was asleep. He had on a long trench coat that was almost in shreds and a hat topped his head, pulled down so you could not see his face. He wore shoes that looked 30 years old, too small for his feet with holes all over them; his toes stuck out. I assumed this man was homeless, and asleep, so I walked on by through the doors of the church.

We all fellowshipped for a few minutes, and someone brought up the man laying outside. People snickered and gossiped but no one bothered to ask him to come in, including me. A few moments later church began.

We all waited for the Preacher to take his place and to give us the word, when the doors to the church opened. In came the homeless man walking down the aisle with his head down. People gasped and whispered and made faces. He made his way down the aisle and up onto the pulpit he took off his hat and coat. My heart sank. There stood our preacher ... He was the "homeless man." No one said a word.

The preacher took his Bible and laid it on the stand. "Folks, I don't think I have to tell you what I am preaching about today." Then he started singing the words to this song.

     "If I can help somebody as I pass along.
      If I can cheer somebody with a word or song.
      If I can show somebody that he's traveling wrong.
      Then my living shall not be in vain."

Ok if you don't like rants then read no further !

Why is it... and yes I can here you saying oh know its a why question, but why is it that no matter how nice things you are doing one day you can't seem to allow yourself to fully enjoy it and end up spoiling it for others as despite the trying and joy you can see in them you just can't shake off that grumpy feeling inside.

I know it is probably stress related and well just one of those days but the more you feel yourself snapping back the more you want to bite ! So where does God fit into grumpy days, certainly not in the reactions I have had towards people today. I know in my heart I tend to have more of these days the further I drift from God and it doesn't have to be far, sometimes I can appear to be closer but just the business of doing life with God just gets in the way of being with God of spending true time with him and that impacts on my feeling of wholeness, of being deep rooted and when i feel unsettled I tend to get rather grumpy.

Do I want independence?

As I watched my daughter run into school without a backwards glance a pang of sadness hit me. Where was the lingering cuddle, the hundreds of waves, the need for encouragement to go in... Overnight she seemed to have turned into a confident little girl finally able to take on the daunting task of the playground. So surely after a year and half of tears, tantrums and battles to get her into school I would be over the moon about this but in reality I was hit with a feeling of rejection and sadness. One I need to get over !

You spend your child's life waiting for them to achieve the next step of independence, to be able to do the next little bit by themselves. But there comes a point when you notice maybe they don't need you so much any more. It is a selfish feeling, a where do I fit into life feeling but all the same a powerful one. One thing I know for sure is a need to make sure that these feelings don't clip her wings, don't encourage her not to move forwards which is why this next stage in her life I need to be the person she needs me to be and develop a new closeness. A closeness not built on practical reliance but on a more grown up understanding of life, of love and shared experiences, of acceptance and wanting to see he grow and develop her own ideas, thoughts and opinions.

I was very wrong this morning. She doesn't need me any less she just needs me in a different way.

Mind and Soul Reflections

I spent the day yesterday with 400-500 other people all seeking the possible answers and solutions to something that has personally and socially been such a huge part of my life. A constant struggle with mental health and faith and where they fit together and how they can help and hurt each other. As I have walked the narrow path of living with an illness but trying to discover and fully engage with a faith that has grown so strong the two have often seemed impossible to share my head and heart space.

The bible asks me to be joyful , my illness asks me not to
The bible asks me to be trusting and honest with who i am, my illness asks me not to
Christ accepts me as I am, my illness won't let me accept me as I am
Christ has a plan and a purpose just for me, my illness trys to stop me fulfilling this
Christ loves me for me, my illness makes me want to be anyone but me

oh the list goes on....

So did yesterday help? Well yes in many ways. But most importantly to hear other people saying that the way forwards is not fixing, that its ok to live on with an illness and in faith that one is not a sign of a lack of the other. That really we should be encouraging and helping people to be well in their illness. That to me made the most amazing sense. That true health in terms of faith is a right relationship with God, whether or not you have a medical illness. If only someone had said that to me so many years ago and I hadn't had to completely destroy myself and be put back together with God's help over many years to come to that conclusion. I just pray now that I and others that were there yesterday might be able to support others through that journey and walk with them; not with the condescending and judging faces I met but with the open arms of a Christ who heals from within, sometimes without taking the illness away.

To be in the moment with someone who is experiencing things that are distressing, confusing and often numbing, to try and see the muddled world they see is an awesome blessing and I just hope that more our church encourages and embraces this.

Church is an amazing place, it offers an intergenerational experience  a group of people who meet and share journeys and burdens, a weekly chance to internally reflect and gain teaching, a real relationship with an all accepting and loving saviour. So why does our church often seem so unauthentic, so cold. How can we provide a church that is right for 'people like me...' when we can't provide a church for people already in it. When there is an atmosphere we feel the need to come with a mask they that can't be right. Jesus asked us to come like little children, they come to church with their hearts on their sleeves, they don't hold back in what they want to say, in their worship, in their acceptance. Marion Carson yesterday spoke of Attitudes then Awareness then Actions, the way forwards excites me because I know how very many people's lives would be validated and fulfilled just by being fully loved and fully accepted and they could be them, the beautiful them that God had created, with all they have to offer.

To be a burden and to bear one another's burdens are part of what we are as people - John Watt.
We are all going to be a burden at some point, whether as a child, an older person or inbetween but do you know what that's ok, that's just part of life's journey.

Riches

We as a family face an uncertain future but I have been so reminded lately of true treasure of true faith.

Again I delved into the story of Abraham and his faith as God asked him to sacrifice his son. I also spent time with someone so sure of Gods plans they are able with faith to turn away from what seems to others the best solution the only solution. How much these two touched me today.

God can not pour his blessings into hands full of earthly treasures. Why do I cling to and worry about things that God has always provide for us. I know the path we are going down is right and is Gods path so why do I worry?  I have never been more sure of a calling but can't let go of my need to know every detail every plan. Fears of impacts of my family and on life affect my certainty of faith and really it shouldn't. It didn't for Abraham and I just pray I can take this step of faith so willingly and so wholeheartedly

Halloween musings ...

wow when you look around the internet and chat with friends does any other celebration cause so much debate. For one evening it seems to cause hours of thinking, decision making and stress, whether you choose to celebrate it or not.

So Halloween, what are my thoughts, for what they are worth.

Firstly no one ever has the right to judge, to tell people Christians or not that they are wrong to do what they do, we are all answerable to God and make decisions based on what we feel is right.

Halloween for me is an opportunity. I hear so many people screaming at that statement that to want to embrace Halloween is so very very wrong. But when else do we get to talk so openly about good and evil, when else do we get to talk about light and darkness, when else do we get such an amazing opportunity to go ok so I don't like dark magic but let me tell you about some real magic about something amazing! Jesus answers the door to those who knock, do we? How do we respond to them? Do we slam it in their face and walk away?

So as a family we don't choose to trick or treat or go out of our way to celebrate Halloween but we don't stop others doing it. Does that mean we are sitting on the fence, no. I would never want to stop enjoying magical things, to be aware of the spiritual amazing side of life, to be able to see miracles and go wow that was magical. I know so more traditional perspectives would argue that even the words magical are sinful but to me they are a whole part of what I believe of the power of God. However I also believe that it is so very wrong to belittle evil, to make fun of it to pretend it is something insignificant and to be laughed at. Evil is powerful and devious and it worries me the view and attitude children have towards it and the rise of the spiritualist churches around where we are.

My issues with Halloween are not with those who enjoy and celebrate it, however far the get into it but with the wickedness that uses what seems like harmless things and turns them into darkeness. So I think for me and my family it will be lots of dressing up through out the year, lots of fun throughout the year, lots of awareness of the amazing things God can do and the real magic and on Halloween simply oppertunities and time as a family to thank God for the good he gives us.

Pride

Very proud people stick out in a crowd right?

Spent some time reflecting on what it means to be prideful. I worry all the time about what others think how what I do will be perceived. But who am I to think I am on their thought radar?

They probably haven't given me a second thought at that moment but my pride puts me top of their thought list in my strange world.

Instead of focusing on God and what he's doing through me, on helping others to see God through me, I get stuck thinking about me about my own inadequacies instead of Gods strengths of my own failings instead of Gods achievements. That is pride. Putting me before God. Thinking what I do and who I am matters so much more than it does to others. 

So instead of being negative and self destructive I need to focus on God more, repent for my pride and move forwards positivly.

Productive Day!

So Christmas planning finally had to start...
It scares me how many people I know who have bought, wrapped, and labelled all their presents. Sometimes I want to ask them if they have eaten their Christmas dinner too or tell them that all my Easter eggs are bought, wrapped, and labelled! Seriously though I had to bite the bullet today and make a start with some plans. Don't get me wrong there are some projects that have been underway for a long time. My table cloth is coming along

This top part is now being quilted onto a nice thick christmas green linen and a border sewn onto the bottom.  So that is all underway and other projects are finished but in terms of shopping well um...... I will brave that soon ! I popped down to our shopping centre today and wow it was busy I think I am going to take up online shopping, doesn't feel so much like spending real money which is always a good thing.

Weekday church

I sat in our church cafe today, people watching. Such a huge range of people from so many walks of life each there for their own needs, each there for their own reasons but together they came because they knew that they would find what they needed in that place. What does church mean to people? Not everyone there today has faith in Christ yet so what do they come looking for? Why there? It got me thinking about the complexities of church. So many say the numbers on Sundays in churches are dying but are Sundays the most important part of Church? Sundays to me have always been the training day, the learning day and sure that is super important but there are 6 also very important days in the week and look at how much happens then!

When I was younger, Church was a building, a place we went (sometimes not so willingly) every Sunday. Where older people wanted to know everything about you and your parents took great pleasure in filling them in, then they would wander off telling me they would pray for me, I never was to sure if that was a good thing!

As time went on Church became a place I hurried past, I look ashamedly at as I crawled out the pub opposite. Other times it was a warm building to get a good meal in. Its purpose for me had lost any connection with faith or God it had become another building made of stone that did kinda nice things. I remember two or three times during uni just something pulled me back, something made me think well maybe I should wander in just one more time and see what happens. I even made it along to a teens and twentys group. But I went along hidden behind such a huge mask that what was said and what was done only scratched the surface, a surface that wasn't me.

But when I became a mum something happened. Cracks appeared in walls around who I was. In a fight for survival over the years so much of me had died but now here was this life, a life I now know was a beautiful gift entrusted from God. How could I who couldn't even look after myself look after something so precious.

A need to care for her, prompted by my husband took me to another church to a baby and toddler group. But here I didn't find empty stone walls here I found a God. I met a God through people, through people who opened their hearts so much to him that in them I could see him. In them I met him, through what they did and how they did it. My baby girl brought me to a place for her to make friends, but in reality I made the best friend I ever could have.

So what did that teach me about church? It is not a building, nor a group of people. It is a heart, it is journey with others who believe and who are starting to believe. It is not a place to have faith and do nothing, it is a place to learn, to grow and to share, not just with those in the building but all around. Maturity in faith doesn't produce mission, maturity in faith comes from mission. We need to take responsibility in faith, just like those in the bible Jesus so quickly gave missional responsibilities to, people from all walks of life. I soon learnt church is about engaging people through caring and loving, about establishing them in faith, about equipping them and teaching them and then about commissioning, setting them free to start their journey with the people they know.

When God wrote my bible. ..

When God wrote my bible he wrote it with small uncomplicated words like love, grace, hope, peace, I am, with stories of real people like me. So why oh why do people today need to try and complicate it with big words that they think sound more important to add to what's there. They are missing the point, the big part of the word is not the number of letters but the life changing meaning! Grrrr sorry just frustrates me

Shopping bags for Mum

Here's the finished product! I tell you though I looked like a fluffball after sewing all that hessian. Did one in pinks to but not got pics of that yet. Really simple pattern and really pleased with it. Nicely lined so they are good and strong.

Who I am in God

I have been thinking a lot lately about who I am in God and where I fit in the world around me. I have learned over the last wee while that I can't be to people what someone else is and that has been something I have struggled with over the years. I see how important or valuable someone is in their role as a friend or in their role that God has asked them to do and I have tried to be that person, tried to see what they are doing that makes their way of life so 'good' for want of a better word. I guess its almost grass is always greener kinda attitude but not of material things, of levels of faith, of being needed. I have seen people doing amazing things for God and amazing things in their lives and my thought is not what could I do for God but I want to do that, I want to be that. Not for others admiration but for that feeling of being in the right place doing the right thing.

But it dawned on me lately, when a friend of mine said that she didn't want to get to know me at first as she thought I was to perfect, had it to sorted with God and it wasn't until she knew that I was just as messed up as everyone else that she could relate to me. It hit me! I can't be to people what others are but in the same respect they can't be me. And the importance of that is God just wants me to be me; that's all he is asking. We are most effective for God in the lives of others when we are where God wants us, doing what God wants, when God wants and how God wants. Not when we are trying to be what God wants someone else to do.

If we try to be someone else we leave a gap where we should be, where God intended us to be. The world around would miss out and I would miss out on the blessings that God can bring through the self-fulfilment of the purpose God has for me and only me. God has a purpose for each of us, that's why we are all so unique and if we don't do what God has made us for then and try to be something we are not then are we saying to God sorry but your plan is rubbish and I have a better idea? I need to spend more time reminding myself of who I am and reminding people I know that they too are loved and created just how God needs us.

I guess the key thing is who shapes and moulds my view on who I should be, who do I let influence me. I know too often God's voice is not the loudest in my mind and oh how it should be! Reminds me of Romans 12:2. Transforming of your mind, man do I need that sometimes! God in my everything! that includes me. I am a miracle.

A study I once heard on John Ch4 once kept stating 'to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known' God knows us inside out, he made us in his image. Would I call God rubbish and stupid? No. So why do I do it to myself when I am made by him in his image! By keeping the God made me suppressed sometimes in order to try and conform, I let part of me die instead of shine. God's beauty is so much greater than any beauty man can imagine so instead of hiding God to let man shine how much more could I be if I trust more, if I let God be through me and in all I do.

I recently tried so hard with a project to be fully reliant on God for everything instead of as usual trying to go alone. God sustained me at every stage, he provided at every stage and wow did he bless at every stage! When you are the right person, doing the right thing for God when God wants you to do it boy do you know about it, it feels so good. It doesn't take away the hard work, the time, any of that stuff but it brings so much more into the equation! Because if we do our job God will sure do his!

My angry conversations

Over coffee in a crowded room I chatted with a friend about how hard it was not to get angry at God when we see people we love hurting, ill and facing which may seem to us as confusing and unfair times. We both knew in our head knowledge that God didn't make these bad things happen, that it is all part of a plan and we will come out stronger at the end of it but that doesn't take away the passion, the need to fight on the person's behalf with whoever we felt was to blame and how easily sometimes that anger was directed at God.

So is it ever ok to be angry? We are taught so often that 'thou shalt not murder' translates to if you have bad thoughts about anyone its the same as murder. That if you become angry it is a sin. But doesn't anger just show passion, show a deep love, show a strong desire to change things. 

Maybe it depends on what we are angry about, are we angry about things that we should be angry about? But then is that not so hard to determine when there is so many other human emotions caught up with anger. 

So how should we respond if not with anger? Im not talking about the niggly annoying things that get under our skin, sure i am rubbish at dealing with them to but it is clear to see that I need to work on my patience, understanding, reactions on these things but does the same apply to big things. Didn't Jesus get angry when he saw wrong doing? 

I know that in anger we often do things that we regret, that we don't set a good example and that we really are just plain silly when you look at it but there are somethings that just aren't right! But why do I never direct the anger where it should be directed? Either it simmers and someone or something totally unrelated cops it or God gets to hear me rant away. So maybe getting angry isn't the issue its whether I direct it in a good way, into changing something I see as a bad, anger making thing into a work for God. And to allow the righteous anger in me about wrong doing, fuel a fire to want to see God in everything. The tough one though will be the unchangeable  the illness, the hurts, the things we have no control over the things that tear at our very outlook on the world. At least even when there is dark there is always light, when I cry I know God cries with me, I know he gets the pain I feel and oh so much more and that is why I know its ok.

Here goes

Wow ok so I thought I'd try this blogging to see if it helps me make sense of the ups and downs of life. I've often wondered how I manage to stumble through day to day still mostly in tact. I am just so grateful of God's giant sticky plasters! So who's me and why am I doing this, well I am a happy married mother of a princess (most of the time!). I am usually found either in complete chaos running kids groups at church or school or escaping somewhere quiet with God and my craft works.